Just Friends

Quick Post:

The Onion has a funny piece on nice guys.

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

Nuff said.

Male Privilege and Ineffective Discussions

Privilege generally speaking is a touchy subject. Part of the controversy really is in how it's defined (or not defined depending on what side of the fence your on). Whatever side of the fence you're on though, I found "Why Male Privilege Probably Doesn't Matter" to be an interesting post, that has presented a point of male privilege (or privilge in general) that I think gets at the heart as to why discussions on the subject are frustrating. From the post:

.....

Finally, there is the problem that no singular, monistic, objective sense of "benefit" can plausibly be defined. To some men, having to fight in wars is probably a benefit, given their temperament, skills, etc. To others, having to fight is a major burden. Are men who enjoy the trials of war more privileged than the men who don't? Are the men who enjoy fulfilling the expectations society places on men more privileged than those who do not?

Bold emphasis mine. This is a good place to start with any conversation with "male privilege" (even privilege in general). How exactly does one define benefit? We've all got differing definitions of "benefit" and that contributes to our ineffective discussions on privilege. So to get anything out of the discussion, defining "benefit" is the place to start.

continuing on:

Perhaps. And that opens another can of worms. Feminists have proceeded as if the notion of "benefit" can be simply defined, and that men simply receive them, passively. But society's expectations can be interpreted as good or bad. If male privilege is supposed to matter, then it must be argued (a) that the benefits men receive viz-a-viz their privilege really are benefits, and not a complicated package deal with burdens attached that outweigh the benefits, and (b) that, when there are burdens attached to the benefits, men in general are able to slough the burdens off on other women.

Bold emphasis mine. Let's start with the bold text first. I don't think feminists are alone in this, almost everyone involved in a privilege discussion gets caught in this trap. It's seems that we often rely on some unstated idea of what "benefit" means and set the rest of our theories and foundation on that unstated idea. For example, one foundation of benefit might be "Person A benefits if they are able to do something that Person B is not." This seems to be some of what underlies the ideas of many male privilege checklists (i.e. men can do x and women can't). However, this is idea of benefit is not often explicitly stated (maybe the idea of privilege is, but benefit, the very foundation of privilege, is not). If you start a privilege discussion with someone with such an idea of benefit they may define privilege, but completely miss the foundation of which privilege rests on. If we start a discussion on male privilege or privilege period with what our own concept of benefit is, instead of leaving it unstated and nebulous, then maybe there would be less friction about "male privilege."